I'd Like to Make Magic Happen With Emma Watson

Not only do I not like the Twilight saga, but I don't like the Harry Potter one either. The story is just absolutely terrible. I do love the movies, though, they're funny, the cast is great, especially Emma Watson because of how hot she is, and the special effects are great. But the books just suck. They're way too long, the names are stupid, and the detail is too much. I read the first one because, well everyone in the World did, and I only read the second, third, and fourth because they gave me a lot of points on this stupid system we had in English class in my middle school. I'm glad I didn't read the rest of the books not only because that would be a waste of my time and I could be do anything better, i.e. anything, but because they don't ruin the movies for me. I'm not like the rest of the assholes who walk out of the theater talking about how much they hated the movie because it didn't follow the book scene for scene. If it did, then we would be in the theater for a week. Just enjoy the movie. And the most unrealistic thing about the Harry Potter story is how optimistic Harry was. Every year he returned to school all "hey, how are you? Good to be back, I know, can't wait for this year." Instead of being like "fuck, this year is going to suck, and I'm going to almost get killed again." Below I have put a short story I wrote in high school that is the realistic version of the last book.

Harry returns to Hogwarts in his senior year, still depressed by his recent loss of his godfather, and Dumbledore. As he gets on the train he finds a seat in the way back where no one else is. As he opens up his magazine of Playwitch, he looks at naked pictures of witches. He thinks to himself, "oh, I wish they would touch my nimbus 2000." As Harry starts to play with his wand, he is suddenly interrupted by Ron and Hermione.
"'Arry, bloody 'ell. What the 'ell are you doing?" asks Ron as he sees Harry playing with himself to his new magazine.
" Um, I was um, looking at pictures of girls, for my new um anatomy class, you know?" replies Harry quickly.

Hermione responds "Harry there are no Anatomy classes at Hogwartz, I think we all know you were touching..."
"So, hows the family doing, Ron?" replies Harry, trying to change the conversation.
"You lived with my family, all fucking summer 'arry, I think you would know how they are doing" says Ron.
"Yeah, I know, says Harry as he puts away his magazine.

As they arive to the school Harry looks at the school thinking of only one more year he has to last at Hogwartz before he can leave for good, and go do whatever the hell he wants.

"One more fuckin' year, Ron, one more fuckin' year."
Ron looks at Harry and says "cheer up ol' sport, I'll by you a bag of Bertie Botts Beans"
"Oh great," replies Harry, "no real great, let's eat jelly beans that taste like shit, literally that taste like shit, they have a fucking jelly bean that tastes like shit, yum yum." Replies Harry, sarcastically.
"OMG," replies Hermione, "All you ever do is whine. Just because all of your friends and family are dying all around you doesn't mean you have to be a little bitch, now wipe up your tears and move on with life, you little pussy. Or no, keep crying like a little girl, go fill up the lake with your tears or something, asshole."
"Wow, looks like it's that time of the month again," replies Ron.
"Bloody 'ell," replies Harry, "literally, bloody 'ell."
The rest of the train ride was pretty silent.

As they were getting off of the train, Harry bumped into Ron from behind.
"What is that, 'arry, is that your wand," says Ron suddenly.
"Yeah, we'll go with that," responds Harry even quicker.

As they arrive to their rooms they put their bags down and talk about Hermione.
"Honestly, she is such a bitch, but her bod is freakin' smokin'," says Harry.
"I know 'arry," says Ron, "She was wearing a skirt on the train, I could totally see up it".

Harry and Ron then high five.

The next day at school, Harry's owl, brought him a letter that said:

Dear Harry:

I swear, this year I'm going to kill you, like honestly. Like all the other years have just been like, oh idk, like me not really trying, like just getting warmed up to when I really kill you, like when I killed your family, lol, good times, good times. So yeah, how do you want to fight this year, flagpole after school one day or what? Ok, well write back or even better hey, don't be afraid to IM me at IkilledHarrysParents69, or Myspace me sometime. Ok, well I'll see you soon.

Love,

He who must not be named. LORD VOLDEMORT!!!

Harry's scar began to inflict pain on him and he fell over in his chair.

"What the fuck!" Neville exclaimed, "you made me spill my cake, you asshole."

"I'm sorry, you fat fuck" replied Harry, followed by "I need to go, see you guys later.

Harry ran up to his room and checked his messages on his AIM. Some of them were from Lord Voldemort, saying things like "hey man, what's up?" and other things like "so when do you wanna do this?"

Harry closed out of the messages and blocked him as a friend.

When Ron got back to the room he looked all around for Harry but he could not find him.

When he opened up the closet Harry fell out of it onto the floor.

"Finally he came out of the closet," joked Ron to himself.

Harry had hung himself with his invisibility cloke, so parts of him were missing, but Ron uncovered his whole body, and found a suicide note. It read:

Goodbye to everyone. Goodbye Ron, we had good times, like that time we both hooked up with the same girl in the same night and didn't even know until the next day. Goodbye Hermione, damn it, I wish we could've hooked up, but hey, Ron and I saw you naked one day through the window while flying around campus. And guys, tell Neville if he ever wants to get laid he should probably go on a diet, and stop eating so many Twinkies. Tell Draco Malfoy to stop being a douche to every one else just because his dad beats him. And yeah, that's about all I have to say, but hey maybe I'll come back as a ghost or something, and we'll hang out, do some shots or something, I don't know. But yeah, see you around.

P.S. Ron I learned this new spell, if you point your wand at a girl and say "Sleep ah with ah me ah" then the girl will sleep with you. Yeah I know, I finally fucking learned that but I never got to use it. Well I'm leaving it to you. And tell your mom I said thanks for that one night at your house. Just kidding, maybe.

Peace,

Harry Potter.

And from that day on Hogwarts was a lot better, fewer people died, and everything was more peaceful, and Ron finally banged Hermione, thanks to Harry's spell, so it was a good ending after all.

I hope you enjoyed the short story, and I hope that it ruined Harry Potter for you. To all of you who didn't read the last book, though, come see the movie with me because it will be awesome.