All Dressed Up and Somewhere to Go

The other day I was going to Shaws with Ivan and Jordan, and I was very intrigued by a bubble in my chai tea, to the point where I ended up spilling the cup all over myself. With a one and a half degree burn a couple inches from my twig and berries Ivan pulled over into someone's driveway. The first thing he said was "I hope that comes out of the seat," because he is a such a good friend and all. After getting out of the car and airing myself out I asked him to open the trunk to see if he had any extra clothes. His trunk was completely empty except for a green night gown we had bought from a thrift store and used in a horror movie. I obviously knew I had to wear it. So I got in the car and changed when we got back on the road. I won't lie, I looked hot in it, see below for proof. When I texted my mom about it she said "don't get arrested!" Of course the only time I've seen a policeman in a super market was this time, but he didn't say anything about it. Jordan was also such a good friend, he ignored me the whole time, but sometimes it's hard to ignore people when they're yelling at you from across the store. It wasn't the first time I've dressed up in women's clothes, and it definitely won't be the last, just wait for this Halloween. All in all it was a great day. The moral of the story is it's awesome being a film major sometimes; especially if you spill hot tea all over yourself.

I Know, My Life Really is Exciting

So here's a look at a weekend in the life of your's truly.

I drank with some friends on Thursday, which I count as the start of the weekend because I'm a really cool college guy.

Since I'm resourceful and awesome I made this mask out of a beer box. It could either be a wrestling mask or the mask of an incredibly scary, yet awesome killer. But if he were chasing you he would be easy to run away from because he would probably be drunk.

Then I went home, and went to Shaws a lot and found awesome things like this opener. It even opens cans of soda! But if you can't open a can of soda you should be getting more help than this.

I spoke too soon, because I even tried opening a can of soda with this and I still couldn't do it.

This wasn't the Hoegaarden I was looking for! Right? Right? Too much fun.

I really appreciate that Mike's wants to help out with breast cancer awareness, but telling us about their penises is irrelevant.

Whoa! I found the Batman symbol in my fried dough. This is like the time my friend Tony and I found Robert Pattinson in my cereal. Oh, hey look, that video is actually below this picture. See how I just used self promotion to get you to watch one of my YouTube videos? Very sneaky, I know.

My dad torched the weeds. When he was done he came in asking for food and wanting to talk about time travel; it was weird.

Hardwood Sausage, just the way your mother likes it. Said like Sean Connery, of course.

I think these honey bears had a little too much to drink. And yes, you can use this for a commercial, Miller Lite, just give me a year's supply and we'll call it even.

My friend on the left, Connor, has an African American half brother and step father, and Zach, on the left, is Jewish. Their families make up almost all of the diversity in my town.

Your family's so Jewish they buy water that doesn't even have a name. How was that Wilmer Valderrama?

I bet this really makes you want to hang out with me! Maybe we can sometime, and have great adventures like these. That would just be grand.

-Mikey Weil, really cool guy who's blog posts you keep reading

I'd Like to Make Magic Happen With Emma Watson

Not only do I not like the Twilight saga, but I don't like the Harry Potter one either. The story is just absolutely terrible. I do love the movies, though, they're funny, the cast is great, especially Emma Watson because of how hot she is, and the special effects are great. But the books just suck. They're way too long, the names are stupid, and the detail is too much. I read the first one because, well everyone in the World did, and I only read the second, third, and fourth because they gave me a lot of points on this stupid system we had in English class in my middle school. I'm glad I didn't read the rest of the books not only because that would be a waste of my time and I could be do anything better, i.e. anything, but because they don't ruin the movies for me. I'm not like the rest of the assholes who walk out of the theater talking about how much they hated the movie because it didn't follow the book scene for scene. If it did, then we would be in the theater for a week. Just enjoy the movie. And the most unrealistic thing about the Harry Potter story is how optimistic Harry was. Every year he returned to school all "hey, how are you? Good to be back, I know, can't wait for this year." Instead of being like "fuck, this year is going to suck, and I'm going to almost get killed again." Below I have put a short story I wrote in high school that is the realistic version of the last book.

Harry returns to Hogwarts in his senior year, still depressed by his recent loss of his godfather, and Dumbledore. As he gets on the train he finds a seat in the way back where no one else is. As he opens up his magazine of Playwitch, he looks at naked pictures of witches. He thinks to himself, "oh, I wish they would touch my nimbus 2000." As Harry starts to play with his wand, he is suddenly interrupted by Ron and Hermione.
"'Arry, bloody 'ell. What the 'ell are you doing?" asks Ron as he sees Harry playing with himself to his new magazine.
" Um, I was um, looking at pictures of girls, for my new um anatomy class, you know?" replies Harry quickly.

Hermione responds "Harry there are no Anatomy classes at Hogwartz, I think we all know you were touching..."
"So, hows the family doing, Ron?" replies Harry, trying to change the conversation.
"You lived with my family, all fucking summer 'arry, I think you would know how they are doing" says Ron.
"Yeah, I know, says Harry as he puts away his magazine.

As they arive to the school Harry looks at the school thinking of only one more year he has to last at Hogwartz before he can leave for good, and go do whatever the hell he wants.

"One more fuckin' year, Ron, one more fuckin' year."
Ron looks at Harry and says "cheer up ol' sport, I'll by you a bag of Bertie Botts Beans"
"Oh great," replies Harry, "no real great, let's eat jelly beans that taste like shit, literally that taste like shit, they have a fucking jelly bean that tastes like shit, yum yum." Replies Harry, sarcastically.
"OMG," replies Hermione, "All you ever do is whine. Just because all of your friends and family are dying all around you doesn't mean you have to be a little bitch, now wipe up your tears and move on with life, you little pussy. Or no, keep crying like a little girl, go fill up the lake with your tears or something, asshole."
"Wow, looks like it's that time of the month again," replies Ron.
"Bloody 'ell," replies Harry, "literally, bloody 'ell."
The rest of the train ride was pretty silent.

As they were getting off of the train, Harry bumped into Ron from behind.
"What is that, 'arry, is that your wand," says Ron suddenly.
"Yeah, we'll go with that," responds Harry even quicker.

As they arrive to their rooms they put their bags down and talk about Hermione.
"Honestly, she is such a bitch, but her bod is freakin' smokin'," says Harry.
"I know 'arry," says Ron, "She was wearing a skirt on the train, I could totally see up it".

Harry and Ron then high five.

The next day at school, Harry's owl, brought him a letter that said:

Dear Harry:

I swear, this year I'm going to kill you, like honestly. Like all the other years have just been like, oh idk, like me not really trying, like just getting warmed up to when I really kill you, like when I killed your family, lol, good times, good times. So yeah, how do you want to fight this year, flagpole after school one day or what? Ok, well write back or even better hey, don't be afraid to IM me at IkilledHarrysParents69, or Myspace me sometime. Ok, well I'll see you soon.

Love,

He who must not be named. LORD VOLDEMORT!!!

Harry's scar began to inflict pain on him and he fell over in his chair.

"What the fuck!" Neville exclaimed, "you made me spill my cake, you asshole."

"I'm sorry, you fat fuck" replied Harry, followed by "I need to go, see you guys later.

Harry ran up to his room and checked his messages on his AIM. Some of them were from Lord Voldemort, saying things like "hey man, what's up?" and other things like "so when do you wanna do this?"

Harry closed out of the messages and blocked him as a friend.

When Ron got back to the room he looked all around for Harry but he could not find him.

When he opened up the closet Harry fell out of it onto the floor.

"Finally he came out of the closet," joked Ron to himself.

Harry had hung himself with his invisibility cloke, so parts of him were missing, but Ron uncovered his whole body, and found a suicide note. It read:

Goodbye to everyone. Goodbye Ron, we had good times, like that time we both hooked up with the same girl in the same night and didn't even know until the next day. Goodbye Hermione, damn it, I wish we could've hooked up, but hey, Ron and I saw you naked one day through the window while flying around campus. And guys, tell Neville if he ever wants to get laid he should probably go on a diet, and stop eating so many Twinkies. Tell Draco Malfoy to stop being a douche to every one else just because his dad beats him. And yeah, that's about all I have to say, but hey maybe I'll come back as a ghost or something, and we'll hang out, do some shots or something, I don't know. But yeah, see you around.

P.S. Ron I learned this new spell, if you point your wand at a girl and say "Sleep ah with ah me ah" then the girl will sleep with you. Yeah I know, I finally fucking learned that but I never got to use it. Well I'm leaving it to you. And tell your mom I said thanks for that one night at your house. Just kidding, maybe.

Peace,

Harry Potter.

And from that day on Hogwarts was a lot better, fewer people died, and everything was more peaceful, and Ron finally banged Hermione, thanks to Harry's spell, so it was a good ending after all.

I hope you enjoyed the short story, and I hope that it ruined Harry Potter for you. To all of you who didn't read the last book, though, come see the movie with me because it will be awesome.

Team Edward? Team Jacob? Or Team Mikey?

In a couple days there will be a full moon, and there is a good chance I may be a little different that night. I was bitten by one of my Mexican friends the other night on the way home from the bar. He had a lot to drink, probably Tequila, and apparently he felt like digging his teeth into someone. Unfortunately I was right next to him and he found my arm quite easily. So in two days I may be growing a sick mustache and I might even wake up with hydraulics on my Jeep.

This got me thinking a lot about Twilight and how much everything sucks about those movies except for the soundtracks. As much as you may not want to listen to any of his songs, Robert Pattinson is incredible, and Bon Iver, one of my favorite musicians, was on the first soundtrack, and this didn't actually make me upset, it made me happy that he was getting the popularity he deserved, even though a bunch of 15 year old teenage girls are going to not like his music because he is talented, and they don't know what they word means.

One of the biggest problems I have with the movies is how the good vampires don't get blood from people, but from animals. This defeats the purpose of a vampire. Vampires have always been romantic, but come on, this is just weak shit. Watch 30 Days of Night, or really any other vampire movie; they fuck shit up. What next, zombies that only eat animals? No, because that also defeats the purpose of zombies. But I'm sure PETA tried suing the saga for the fact of them eating animals, but Pete Wents and all of those other douchebags probably didn't get far. "Hey look, we want attention, we're going to sue you for a stupid reason, and use really untalented 'celebrities' to help." Vampires also aren't supposed to be sparkly. Pale is one thing, but glittery, what are they all drag queens, too? But my biggest problem with Twilight is the fact that it's somehow acceptable that Edward watches Bella sleep. I'm sorry, I don't care if you are a vampire, or Superman, or even Cat Woman, as hot as she is, you do not watch people sleep. Having a super power does not override the fact of how creepy that is. "Hey, I hear your boyfriend watches you sleep, Bella. You should probably get a restraining order on him or something." "It's alright, he's a vampire." "Oh, ok, then that's alright." Yeah, it doesn't work like that.

So there are my thoughts on the Twilight saga. Yes, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner are hot, and Kristen Stewart is even starting to look cute. And the soundtracks are great, but it is the stupidest story, and almost ruins vampires for me.

If you want to meet up for dinner I'll probably be here on Sunday. I may not remember you the next day, though, and I may not be speaking in English, but that could be fun. See you there!

- Miguel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R89K1zydhPI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4E9412xyJ4

All Wrapped Up At Work

Work was quite exciting today. It's not everyday you find an ancient Egyptian artifact. Ivan and I found a mummy in one of the rooms. We named him Celine Dion, not only because she is an amazing recording artist, but her husband is probably the same age as the mummy. Celine must've been pretty poor because he was put on top of a bed, surrounded by no gold, and wrapped in paper towels. It was weird they had paper towels back in those days, that the mummy had the same glasses as me, and even weirder that nobody had discovered him in that room yet, and my college has been around for a while. But we were glad nobody had discovered him, because we knew finding him and giving him away to a museum or something would get us tons of money, and that would get us tons of chicks.

We called Brendan Fraser and asked if he could come help us bring him back to life. He told us he was busy making some new shitty movie. He also told us he knew nothing about mummies, and that he was just acting in those movies. I replied with "I didn't know you could act." Then he hung up. So we ending up looking online how to bring Celine back to life. Apparently pinching his nipples did the trick. The first thing he did after he was awoken was he went to the bathroom. He noticed his reflection in the mirror, and at this point he probably started thinking about how bad the wrapping job was, and that everyone he knew was gone.

We then took Celine out into the hallway and told him all about the things that have happened since he passed away. It took forever. We told him about all of the wars, and about technology, and about the rise and fall of Lindsay Lohan. We also told him about how what he was buried in what was now used to wipe asses and clean up messes. I think this is where he lost it.

Celine then went back into the room. He said he needed alone time, but we didn't trust him alone, so we went in with him. He then busted out of his outfit and ran out of the room. We tried to run after him, but he was pretty fast, and we drank the night before so we couldn't catch up to him.

I asked Ivan where he thought Celine was going to, and he replied "I don't know, probably to Burger King, because he must be hungry." I told Ivan the hats there would probably confuse him.

I was clearly more upset that we just lost our new pet and our new way to get money and chicks, so I looked up and yelled "why!" I didn't know why I was yelling that, but they do it in the movies and it felt like the right thing to do.

After a few minutes of realizing we would have to find another way to get money and chicks we realized the joke was on Celine. People would've been really interested in him and thought he was a mummy, until he told them what his name was. So by now Celine is probably in a white room with four white walls, and he thought his outfit before was tight on him.